Trump partners with Minwax to improve “tone”

Upper Saddle River, NJ – The lunch break routine of Minwax coworkers Jillian Berenson and Spencer Golderg is highly polished. It includes grabbing their favorite table and warming up their homemade meals. But on June 15, 2015, for a reason that remains elusive, they turned on the TV to catch up with the world around them.

TrumpMinwaxFor that decision they were rewarded with the spectacle of Donald J. Trump descending the escalator at Trump Tower on his way to announcing his candidacy for President of the United States. “As soon as Trump hit the podium, Jillian and I looked at each other, looked back at the screen, pointed and yelled, ‘Ipswich Pine!'”, recalled Golderg. For the uninitiated, Ipswich Pine is one of Minwax’ most popular oil-based wood floor stains. “Trump’s hair, his hair and brow color were a match with Ipswich Pine!”, said Berenson. “A  perfect match.”

Not unlike milions of Americans, the pair were intrigued by Trump’s message. But, they were put off Trump’s appearance. “Don’t get me wrong.” stated Goldberg,

“We’re very proud of Ipswich Pine. It provides beautiful, rich color. It applies easily and penetrates deep into pores. But it’s designed to be applied to wood, not hair.”

After kicking ideas around for a few weeks, they decided to visit their supervisor, Executive Vice President Daniel Mandelbaum. The trio agreed that Mandelbaum would attempt to contact the Trump campaign through back channels and offer to advise the candidate on the tone of his hair (and skin, which is a match with Minwax’ Natural color stain).

MinwaxWhile neither Minwax nor the Trump campaign will acknowledge the existence of a relationship, an anonymous source has confirmed to the company’s shock that Mr. Trump is indeed applying Minwax products directly to his hair and skin. This answers at least one key question: Why does no one else look like this man?

As he moves toward the general election, expect Mr. Trump’s tone to soften. Claims our source, “Right now Minwax has a secret team working on a series of stain blends that will gradually pull Mr. Trump back from the brink of orange toward more a Presidential tone, all while maintaining the signature brilliance people have come to expect from Minwax.” He concludes, “After the election, rumor has it Trump will acknowledge the partnership at a press event that will also introduce a “Trump by Minwax” line of premium beauty products.”

Disclosure: This is just another in a series of stories that turns out to be fiction. Try as we might, we just keep coming up with stories that have no basis in fact!

Filed in: Politics Tags: 

Share This Post

Leave a Reply

Submit Comment

© 2018 Debase The Nation. All rights reserved. Product names, logos, brands, and other trademarks mentioned are the property of their respective holders.