To keep heads from exploding, liberals prepare for Trump presidency

Hollywood, CA – The possibility that Donald J Trump will be elected President has caught liberals unprepared and scrambling for cover. Written off by pundits early on as a shallow, bombastic egomaniac, Trump was given little chance of lasting under the withering lights of presidential politics.

Gaga-with-bandAs we now know, those prognostications could not have been more wrong. With a strong performance on Super Tuesday following recent primary victories in New Hampshire and South Carolina, Trump’s campaign appears to be gaining strength.

“It’s like watching a monster movie”, an exasperated Lady Gaga offered. “The monster is getting bigger and stronger, breathing fire and spitting venom. And he’s coming for us! I’m petrified for liberals and progressives and socialists everywhere. He… he’s just so vile.”

Gaga collaborator Tony Bennett supported her assessment. “I’m 90 years old and baby, let me tell you I’ve seen a lot, done a lot, been all over, but I’ve never seen a cat like Donald Trump. I mean he chews people up and spits them out with all the grace of a meat grinder.”

Added Gaga, “It’s not just me. The Huffington Post thinks that Trump is a serial liar, rampant xenophobe, racist, misogynist, birther and bully. It must be true. Oh, the humanity.”


Cerebral filmmaker Spike Lee is another celebrity who has gone on record criticizing Trump. His concern is what may happen when a liberal fully recognizes what their fellow citizens may have wrought come November. Says Lee, “Frankly, I’m concerned that when considering the totality of the awfulness of Donald Trump our brain waves may reach a frequency that causes our heads to explode. It could happen. Look up Spontaneous Human Combustion on Wikipedia. If that can happen, I believe my head could very well explode.”

Out of an abundance of caution, Lee, Gaga and others have begun fitting their heads with metal clamps that they hope will keep the contents of their skulls contained. Reports Lee, “We’re finding that the design with the screw mechanism allows us to tighten it down snugly, regardless of head size. Over the last few weeks I’ve gotten used to it. It’s a little difficult but I sleep in it just in case I have a nightmare about Trump. When flying, I remove it along with my belt and shoes and send it through the scanner. For the added sense of safety, it’s worth a little inconvenience.”

There’s even word that clamps will be included in this year’s Oscar-attendee SWAG bag. Concludes Gaga, “We’ve got to get the word – and the clamps – out. As the election draws closer, heads could start exploding at any time. It’s a matter of life and death.”

Disclaimer: This article is complete b.s.

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