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O’Malley Joins Presidential Race, Challenges Putin to a Shirtoff

On Saturday, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley declared himself a candidate to be the Democratic nominee for President in the 2016 election. Then, he threw down the gauntlet in dramatic fashion by challenging Russian President Vladimir Putin to a Shirtoff.

“We live in a new era of proliferating global unrest and violence,” declared O’Malley from a make-shift sand pulpit assembled by supporters. He continued, “America’s next leader must project strength not just in his words and actions, but in his appearance.”

Under the rules of a Senior Shirtoff, a man holding a national-level seat and having attained the age of 50 challenges another man to a series of manly activities such as wood chopping, ditch digging and archery. The challenger sets the agenda for the hour-long competition. If the challengee accepts, he specifies the location, date and hour of the competition. Scores are tallied from a panel of three judges and a winner is declared.

While Mr. O’Malley’s challenge appears bold, critics point out that Mr. Putin, at age 62, is spotting the 51-year old O’Malley over a decade in age. Peter Malley, Mr. O’Malley’s campaign manager, believes this is “sour grapes”. He added, “Everybody knows when a pro-golfer turns 50 he can join the Senior tour. For Senior tour veterans, each year brings a crop of young guns to compete with. There’s no special compensation for older seniors.”

However, given the more personal nature of a Shirtoff, Kremlin representative Yuri Gagarin was able to secure, after tense negotiations, an equalizer that he believes will make age a non-issue. While judges will be on site, they will watch the competition on monitors fed by several cameras. The cameras covering Mr. Putin will feature real-time Photoshop-like body contouring and skin texturing set to 20%, the approximate age difference between the two men. With the age sticking point resolved, the attention turns to Mr. Putin. Rumors are already flying that he may use home-field advantage, selecting Siberia in the dead of winter to put his competition, as Mr. Gagarin reports with a wry smile, “on ice”.

The Clinton campaign did not return calls for comment.

Editor’s Note: The Senior Shirtoff was split off from the open-class Shirtoff in 2009 when Aaron Schock was elected to Congress to represent Peoria, Illinios. Said Shirtoff organization founder Marty Martinson, “That guy is like a Saturday morning ab-crunching tread-climbing Infomercial fitness model. I  mean, he’s buff. Thank goodness he resigned.”

Disclaimer: This is another in a series of untrue articles.

Filed in: Politics

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