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Starbucks to ban all but Apple electronic devices in its stores

Seattle, WA – Starbucks announced today that over the second half of 2016 it will be phasing in rules that will ultimately result in the prohibition of electronic devices in its stores that are not made by Apple Inc. The impetus for the change is persistent and growing frustration experienced by Apple devotees with their non-Apple carrying counterparts.

The feedback from self-professed hipster Derek Habersham was typical: “Starbucks has a certain ethos and it’s largely shared by Apple. When a guy walks into a Starbucks with a Windows notebook made by a low-cost manufacturer I … it’s just not right.”, according to Habersham. “The other day a guy with an Acer or Asus or something set up shop at my table. He was oblivious. I mean, does he think I roll out of bed looking like I do? He’s got no idea how long it takes to achieve symmetry with my moustache handlebars. My point is that this generic dude is crowding me, throwing shade. Fellow Apple fanboys have the sense to give me my posing space.”

Another complaint leveled against Windows users has to do with their computers’ poor battery lives. Said survey respondent Sabrina Flora, “The Windows users I’ve seen can’t simply sit down at a table and get to work. They have to situate themselves near an outlet, get out their clunky charger and cord and then make a scene plugging it in. That creates tension, with passersby having the potential to get caught up in it. And because they’ve never heard of something called a quick disconnect, kicking the cord of a Windows PC promises to cause a major incident.”  Added Habersham, “I can barely step over a piece of paper in these skinny jeans. A dangling power cord? That’s a bridge too far.”

A commenter who wished to remain anonymous criticized Windows users for what he perceived as a smugness surrounding the touch-screen capability of their laptops. Said the commenter, “Apple’s laptops are the easiest to use without needing a touch-screen. These mouth-breathers don’t understand. Touch screen capability is not a strength, it’s a crutch. Now they want me to swoon over their Ultrabooks. Wow, the case of new your machine is milled from a single block of metal? MacBooks have been built this way  since 2008. You don’t see us iLifers asking for a medal.”

Another platform Starbucks’ Apple-using patrons took aim at is Google’s Chrome. A common complaint was summed up by Goldcard member Cindy Hu this way, “When I see a person come in with a Chromebook, I know that for it to do anything productive, it has to be on-line and using cloud resources. It’s going to suck up a lot of bandwidth. And being that all of us at Starbucks are using one shared Wi-Fi connection, I think it’s kind of unfair. If I can’t get fairness at Starbucks, where can I?”

Disclaimer: This article is not true.

Filed in: Culture

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